Tuesday, January 17, 2012


Sunday morning did not start out well.  I'd been able to avoid Thomas most of the weekend, as I stayed in my room until he left to run in the morning and he'd left for work by the time I got back from my run.  Additionally, he was out on dates with his married mistress at night, so I was back in my room by the time he got home.  The dark cloud of doom and gloom was still present in my life, but not overpowering.

And then Sunday morning happened.

Unfortunately, I was unable to avoid him as he'd gotten up later than usual to run and I had committed to volunteer at a race.  I stayed in my room until the last possible minute, but went downstairs to eat and get ready and he was still home.

Things were not openly hostile until he went to leave and saw that I'd left the key in the front door when I'd gotten back from my run the day before.  This is obviously not ideal, but we live in a very safe place and nothing had happened.  Also, he's done this dozens of times over the years and I just take out the key and don't say anything.  Obviously, it was a mistake.  In this exchange, the swear words that I will abbreviate were actual words coming from him.  Plus there were lots more peppered in -- you get the idea.

Thomas: Do you know who left the key in the front door?

Me: It must have been me since I was the last one home from running yesterday.  Sorry; it was an oversight.

T: I don't understand why you left the key in the front door?

Me: It was an accident.  I was cold and tired after a long run.  I didn't mean to.

T: Why the F did you leave the key in the door?  Are you trying to get me killed?  How can you be so irresponsible?  (More yelling/complaining/swearing/blaming,etc.)

Finally, I left my breakfast and went into the bathroom until he left.

Later that evening, when he got home, he was congratulating himself on realizing that I was upset because he's trying to be more empathetic.  Of course he wasn't hostile at all; he was just trying to let me know that I'd left the key in the door so that I don't do it again; excuses and more narcissistic excuses.  What a wonderful guy!

Now that the blinders are off, I am realizing more and more what a jerk he is.  People had been telling me for years that he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me (even some comments on the blog -- you guys are perceptive!), but I didn't believe them.  Now I can see the truth and am remember many incidents from the past where he was abusive.  I always made excuses for him -- he was tired from work, sore from his arthritis, he had a bad childhood, etc.

He should be out of the house by the end of the month, and our divorce should be final by the end of May.  I can't wait to be done with him!  I just don't understand why he's being hostile to me.  I was loyal and a great wife -- even he admits that.  He's the one who had an affair (with someone who could be a clone of his mom) and destroyed our marriage.  You'd think he'd be apologetic or at least happy since he's getting what he wants.  Instead, he's ramped up his abuse of me.

After that upsetting exchange, I went to my volunteer position, where I had a great time as I was assigned as a sentry with one of my friends.  We had to make sure that runners went the right way along the course:
It was held at a zoo, so this was our long-range view of the closest enclosure:
Zoomed in: a pacing cheetah.  Probably jealous of everyone running by!  I've done this race before, and the deer/moose get so excited.  They start circling their enclosures and running with the racers.
After our volunteer shift was over, my friend and I went for our run.  I don't even want to think what my mental state would be right now without exercise.

I am doing really well.  I will be doing much better once these things are complete: getting a job, getting an apartment, moving to the new apartment.  And I will be wonderful once these additional things are complete: selling the house, completing the divorce, never seeing Thomas again.

I'm still trying to figure out why I put up with his bad behavior for so long.  I suspect that he has a combination of antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.  I do know that I was frequently embarrassed by his behavior around other people.  Why didn't I do something earlier?  Would I have lived like this forever had he not had an affair?  I thought I was happy (I have a high happiness baseline) but can I be even happier?

My new life is beckoning!  I am changing back to my maiden name, and I've signed up for several races using my real name.  I also called the art museum to see if they could back-date my new individual membership since I was the driving force behind our membership and there are perks the longer you're a member.  I was told no, but that I could just take over the membership, so I did.  That was one little victory for me!  My new art museum membership cards, with my new name, should arrive next week.  I can't wait!


Stephanie Taylor said...

You rock! I'm so glad that you're taking charge of your life and realize what a scumbag Thomas is. I would have been so sad if he'd managed to weasel his way back into your heart.

Keep up the awesomeness!

Mary said...

I'm with Stephanie, you rock!!! Sad to hear what you've been putting up with all this time.

Anonymous said...

Love your update! I think he is being nasty because he wants you to blow up at him, then he could feel a bit better about himself. Yes,YOU ROCK, for sure!!! Keep strong, my friend....Barb!