Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Update - status quo

First, let me thank you all for your concern and well wishes.  I am so lucky to have a wonderful support system in real life and online, as well as an amazing family.  Everyone has reacted in ways I never expected.  They say you don't know who your true friends are until you face adversity.  I think usually that means that people fail to live up to your expectations, but in my case, I've been overwhelmed with how helpful and supportive everyone has been.  I have far more friends than I realized, and it's been very helpful while dealing with this situation I found myself in.

Things are going OK -- life must go on.  I am trying to get things figured out.  We've had discussions about splitting up our property, which has been heart-wrenching.  He's, at least temporarily, out of the house, which makes things easier for me to try to heal.  I'm going to take some boxes of stuff to my parents' this weekend for storage.

I've tried to be proactive.  Yesterday I had a counseling appointment and the psychologist said I was strong and doing amazingly well.  Maybe they tell that to everyone, but it was good to hear.  I meet her again in about five weeks to discuss how I've been doing.  She gave me a list of things to think about, which has been helpful.  I've spoken with a divorce attorney, which definitely made things seem real.  I see the doctor in January for STD testing.  I have an appointment with a recruiter set up for next month so I can find a job since mine ends in March.  Making tangible progress has been helpful and makes me feel more in control of the situation.

The parrots know things aren't right.  They miss Thomas terribly.  It's been particularly hard on Rocky.  He spends most of his time screaming, which adds to my stress level.  I think I may board him at the rescue while I try to find him a home as he's so unhappy it's affecting me and the rest of the parrots.  Stella and Basil are set to go to their new homes in early January, after the holidays.

Physically, I've lost 8 pounds so far -- pounds I didn't have to lose.  I am trying to eat enough, but the stress is still working its magic.  I only have one pair of pants that fit me; I'd accidentally bought a size too small online and never got around to returning them.  Everything else falls right off.  I guess this means I get to eat extra Christmas cookies this weekend.  And maybe an extra glass of wine :)  But then I don't know what size suit to buy for interviewing.  A small concern in the grand scheme of things, but troubling nevertheless. 

My psychologist said to continue to exercise, so I've been doing that.  It feels great, so I've been doing a little extra -- 10 miles this morning.  I need to keep tabs on that to make sure it doesn't get out of control.  I've checked out a bunch of self-help books from the library and will be reading them to try to make sense of things and to become a stronger person.

I am just very sad.  I know this isn't the man that I married; there's no way he could have fooled me as to his true personality for 13 years.  He got swept up in something, made some incredibly bad decisions, and now we're all paying the price.


iris said...

I think you put it exactly right in your last paragraph, Mary. :/ That's probably exactly what it is.

I think you're doing amazingly right now. You're not reduced to a pile on the couch just eating ice cream, right? :) You're taking the baby steps that you need to move forward with your life.

We are all behind you in this. :) I'm probably one of the more recent newcomers - only started reading a year or two ago - but I think you're an awesome person and I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

Stephanie Taylor said...

In regards to splitting up property: don't let him get anything without going through your attorney. He's already screwed you over and betrayed you, whose to say he won't try again?

Seriously, you should make him pay for this. Actions have consequences, and he shouldn't be able to abandon you and his/your birds carefree.

It sounds like you're doing well though. Keep up your awesomeness and don't do anything hasty.

Oh and Thomas, in the unlikely event that you are reading this, you are a terrible person. You might not think that you are. You've probably justified this in your head somehow, as that is what cheating people who abandon their families do. You are still a terrible person.

Meg said...

You sounds like you are doing amazingly well. It has all just happened so quickly, but keeping going with life as you are will help. I know my Mom would say the same thing about Thomas.... it has been quite a whirlwind.

I will be thinking of you often, and of the birds. And I hope you enjoy the cookies, you deserve them!

Anonymous said...

I wish I had your strength and outlook on life. If I were in your situation, I would be a mess. I'd likely just be screaming along with Rocky. He's left you to take care of all these animals, and dismantled the family so he can galavant with some other woman.

Insanity. And cruel.

I'm so amazed at how you are moving on and taking control. I know you'll be ok.

I know you have a lot to deal with. How are you handling losing so many of your flock? We just placed one of our fosters that had been with us for two years, and I'm having a hard time letting go. How do deal with a mass exodus like this? I can't imagine. You must be made of steel.

Suzanne said...

It's bad enough Thomas is dumping all this on you now, but why is he not taking Rocky, the one bird in the house that needs him?

Maybe I am naive and should realize that this whole situation is Thomas trying to shirk his responsibilities, but something about this is not sitting right with me. (not right in more than the typical, cheater running off and leaving his wife like a jerk kinda way)

Keep your head up Mary. This too will pass. If you need anything just let me know. Wyrdwolf814[at]gmail[dot]com

Dee said...

You're a strong woman Mary, you'll be okay and I pray that all the birds (especially Rocky) will be able to adjust as quickly as possible

Margaret said...

I have been in a similar situation than yours. I moved out and was living in rented basement for almost 1 year. You're strong and you'll make it!
And I agree, you never know, who gonna give you helping hand unless you find yourself in that situation.
How we, people online can help you?

By spreading word about your parrots, to make sure they'll go in a good houses? Think, that you're not in jungle and we're not wild animals. Please, continue the exercises, that helps.

Please feel free to contact me with anything at contact@my-budgies.com
Good luck! You'll be fine as I'm now.

WendyKnits said...

It's so good to hear that you are dealing with the situation and moving forward. I've been thinking about you a lot and hoping that things are working out. I'm so happy to hear that you have a strong real-life support system as well as an online one!

phonelady said...

I agree dont talk about splitting anything unless you talk to your attorney first and get everything and I mean everything in writing . I think Thomas will get down the road in a few years and realize what he threw away . Dont let him come back and make a clean break . Dont talk to him unless your attorney is present he deserves nothing !!! and I mean nothing !!!
Yes how can he just abandon you, your birds and the home you and he built ? This has been in the works for a while I think and Thomas did not have the cahones to tell you . Im glad you are staying strong and seeing a therapist . That is a good thing and please keep us updated .

Christine Lee said...

Dear Mary, you are being amazingly positive; I hope you have a vent for any negative feelings too, whenever you need a good cry!
I feel the same as Suzanne: why is Thomas not concerned about Rocky (is he?)?
From reading you blog for nearly two years, Thomas seemed like a steady, down-to-earth type of person; I can't believe he can just get swept off his feet like this without any feelings whatsoever for you and the parrots....
Take one step at a time, Mary. This feels terrible right now, but I promise you that one day you will remember this period in your life and be able to shrug it off.
Time will heal.
Be strong! Believe! We are here for you and the parrots!
Big, big hug!!!

D. Richard said...

Dearest Mary ,
I feel for you I really do
I know you are putting a brave face on it but I know what it is like to loose something that you never thought you would loose .
At least you have the benefit of people that love you and we will all help you through this . As a Christian I really cannot say Thomas be dammed , I can admit that I would like to tho .
The best revenge would be to go on without him eventually better than with him .
I would wonder how long it will take before he really realizes what he has lost .
I hope she leaves him after this is all done .
Sweeet revenge

Anonymous said...

well done, you have done so many positive things, under such sudden and stressful changes,

thomas's and this other woman's thoughtlessness has annoyed me some, i have to admit

and i agree with you in housing poor rocky at the shelter, you need to be able to look after yourself and the other birds right now, its not his fault, but its not yours either

sending you good karma where ever you are mary

Anonymous said...

My heart just breaks for you and your pets....Hope you got my e-mail and it didn't go into the junk. I can't even wish you a merry christmas because I know this is probably the saddest one you will ever have. I hope you are going to be with your parents this year. Hug. Lets talk soon, ok? Barb C.

Christine Lee said...

Mary are you ok?
I check your blog every day to see if there are updates about you and the parrots.
Just remember, you are not alone.
We are with you in spirit.

D. Richard said...

I miss you Mary
Me soon

Stephanie Taylor said...

Just wanted to let you know we're all thinking about you and hope that you're doing well!