Stella update

As I've mentioned before, Stella is in a fantastic home.  She lives with another CAG (Ellie) and a severe macaw (Tango.)  Tango loves grey parrots, so he is beyond happy to now have two girlfriends.  I've been getting near daily updates and pictures on how well she's doing, and the one I got last night really made me smile:

I hope you had a great weekend.  I can't believe we've only had Stella for a week already.  We celebrated with french toast.  She is a very good eater. It must be a grey thing cause they are not picky like Tango.  Who by the way is in heaven with his 2 girlfriends. They all hang out together in their room and talk back and forth Tango does most of the talking but Stella is making lots of noises back at them. They are all so sweet my little loves.

I just received this additional update that made me laugh out loud:

They all throw kisses back and forth amongst the 3 of them in there its like a kissing festival. Too cute.

I am so happy for Stella and thankful that she is in an amzing, love-filled home!

Parrot breakfast

With everything going on in my personal life, I probably haven't been as attentive to the parrots as I had in the past.  I am making a conscious effort to change that!  Max and Calypso were out with my for breakfast.

Max cheered my up by eating with gusto from her spoon:

My boss bought the juciest, most delicious oranges he'd ever had, and was nice enough to bring me one.  Calypso was one of the lucky beneficiaries.  He got every last bit of juice out of the orange section:

The three of us are looking forward to starting our new life together!

Sunday

Sunday morning did not start out well.  I'd been able to avoid Thomas most of the weekend, as I stayed in my room until he left to run in the morning and he'd left for work by the time I got back from my run.  Additionally, he was out on dates with his married mistress at night, so I was back in my room by the time he got home.  The dark cloud of doom and gloom was still present in my life, but not overpowering.

And then Sunday morning happened.

Unfortunately, I was unable to avoid him as he'd gotten up later than usual to run and I had committed to volunteer at a race.  I stayed in my room until the last possible minute, but went downstairs to eat and get ready and he was still home.

Things were not openly hostile until he went to leave and saw that I'd left the key in the front door when I'd gotten back from my run the day before.  This is obviously not ideal, but we live in a very safe place and nothing had happened.  Also, he's done this dozens of times over the years and I just take out the key and don't say anything.  Obviously, it was a mistake.  In this exchange, the swear words that I will abbreviate were actual words coming from him.  Plus there were lots more peppered in -- you get the idea.

Thomas: Do you know who left the key in the front door?

Me: It must have been me since I was the last one home from running yesterday.  Sorry; it was an oversight.

T: I don't understand why you left the key in the front door?

Me: It was an accident.  I was cold and tired after a long run.  I didn't mean to.

T: Why the F did you leave the key in the door?  Are you trying to get me killed?  How can you be so irresponsible?  (More yelling/complaining/swearing/blaming,etc.)

Finally, I left my breakfast and went into the bathroom until he left.

Later that evening, when he got home, he was congratulating himself on realizing that I was upset because he's trying to be more empathetic.  Of course he wasn't hostile at all; he was just trying to let me know that I'd left the key in the door so that I don't do it again; excuses and more narcissistic excuses.  What a wonderful guy!

Now that the blinders are off, I am realizing more and more what a jerk he is.  People had been telling me for years that he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me (even some comments on the blog -- you guys are perceptive!), but I didn't believe them.  Now I can see the truth and am remember many incidents from the past where he was abusive.  I always made excuses for him -- he was tired from work, sore from his arthritis, he had a bad childhood, etc.

He should be out of the house by the end of the month, and our divorce should be final by the end of May.  I can't wait to be done with him!  I just don't understand why he's being hostile to me.  I was loyal and a great wife -- even he admits that.  He's the one who had an affair (with someone who could be a clone of his mom) and destroyed our marriage.  You'd think he'd be apologetic or at least happy since he's getting what he wants.  Instead, he's ramped up his abuse of me.

After that upsetting exchange, I went to my volunteer position, where I had a great time as I was assigned as a sentry with one of my friends.  We had to make sure that runners went the right way along the course:

It was held at a zoo, so this was our long-range view of the closest enclosure:

Zoomed in: a pacing cheetah.  Probably jealous of everyone running by!  I've done this race before, and the deer/moose get so excited.  They start circling their enclosures and running with the racers.

After our volunteer shift was over, my friend and I went for our run.  I don't even want to think what my mental state would be right now without exercise.

I am doing really well.  I will be doing much better once these things are complete: getting a job, getting an apartment, moving to the new apartment.  And I will be wonderful once these additional things are complete: selling the house, completing the divorce, never seeing Thomas again.

I'm still trying to figure out why I put up with his bad behavior for so long.  I suspect that he has a combination of antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.  I do know that I was frequently embarrassed by his behavior around other people.  Why didn't I do something earlier?  Would I have lived like this forever had he not had an affair?  I thought I was happy (I have a high happiness baseline) but can I be even happier?

My new life is beckoning!  I am changing back to my maiden name, and I've signed up for several races using my real name.  I also called the art museum to see if they could back-date my new individual membership since I was the driving force behind our membership and there are perks the longer you're a member.  I was told no, but that I could just take over the membership, so I did.  That was one little victory for me!  My new art museum membership cards, with my new name, should arrive next week.  I can't wait!

Saturday

I had a great morning!  I met one of my favorite running partners and we had a great chat for 2 hours as we ran.  I have signed up to do a 50 kilometer (31 mile) race in May, so I need to get out and do some longer distances than I have the past few months to train.  I ran 15.1 miles this morning, which put me at 40 miles for the week and allows for an extra beer with dinner tonight :)  I don't even want to contemplate what my mental state would be without running.

I have been trying to avoid Thomas as much as possible.  I stayed in bed until after he left for his run and I left for mine a bit early so I wouldn't be here when he returned.  Unfortunately, there's about a 0.2 mile section where I would be going out and he would be coming home that we could run into each other.  I mean, what are the chances?  100% in this case.  I just waved to him, as I would any other runner.  He has become someone that I used to know.

Then, I met my mom for lunch and some shopping.  We had a great afternoon!  I had a phone interview for a job yesterday (my current job ends on March 31) and found out that they want me to come in for an in-person interview next week, so I had to get a new suit, which my mom bought for me.  The last time I wore a suit was in 2003 and I'd already donated my old suits, thinking I'd never have to wear one again.  (You know...I put Thomas through medical school and then he allows me to follow my dream of going back to school or working or starting my own nonprofit.  I held up my end of the bargain...)  I also bought another pair of pants since I only had one pair that fit me, having lost weight due to the stress of my impending divorce.

I came home and spent some time boxing things up and getting ready to move more things to my parents' house.  I want to get down to just the essentials here in case Thomas gets violent and I have to quickly leave the house.  That's part of the reason I'm trying to get the animals placed as soon as possible, with smaller, temporary cages at my parents' house if Max and Calypso have to stay there until I get an apartment.

Almost real-time blogging; these pictures were taken about 30 minutes ago.  Thomas is currently out on a date with his married mistress; the parrots and I are enjoying an evening at home.  We hope he stays out until they go to bed and I go upstairs to my room.

Calypso, who does not realize his dreams are about to come true and he will soon be rid of Thomas forever:

Max, who knows something is up and has been extra loving to me in an attempt to reassure herself everything will be OK:

Basil, who returns to his home a week from today.  He loves his owners, so will be very happy to see them again.  The plan is for him still to be willed to me at some point.  I can't keep him now because he's too loud for an apartment, but by the time he needs to be rehomed, hopefully I will be in a house and he can come back to me:

Beeps, who is reacting to the stress in the house by being increasingly aggressive, but just to Thomas (and when he sees the camera, as usual):

I've gotten daily updates and pictures on Stella.  She is doing remarkably well in her new home.  She always seemed to want to befriend Max, but Max was not interested.  In her new home, Stella's grey companion, Ellie, appears to want to be friends, so we're hopeful things will go well.  Additionally, she lives with a severe macaw who loves greys.  When he was at the rescue where I volunteer, I'd take him around with me to greet the parrots.  He'd ignore everyone except the greys.  When we'd stop by a grey's cage, he'd blush a bit and say "hi!  hello!" and flirt a bit.  He's enjoying his little grey harem (from afar -- they don't physically interact, he just talks to them.)

Rocky is doing really well at the rescue.  I visited him on Thursday but forgot to take pictures.  He's housed next to a female severe macaw, and the two of them go to the bottom of their respective cages and interact.  I took him out and he seemed rather happy to see me.  He was talking, singing, and dancing.  He's extremely resilient and will be OK.  He's enjoying the activity of the rescue and I will be involved in finding him a great home.

Thomas has not asked about Rocky or Stella at all and has basically ignored the parrots we still have at home. It's so strange how someone can change so much, or possibly that they were able to hide for so long and then reveal their true self.  He fooled me for years, but now that I look back on things, they weren't as great as I thought they were.  I am doing some writing exercises to understand our relationship and heal.  One was to come up with 5 nice things he'd done for me over the course of our relationship and then 5 upsetting things.  I could only come up with about 3 nice things and stopped at about 32 upsetting things before I realized I was supposed to stop at 5!

I just rationalized and made excuses for a lot of his behavior.  I'm pretty sure he has a combination of narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder, so I'm pretty lucky to be able to get out and start anew.  It's just too bad that the parrots are affected by his behavior.

My friends, both online and in real life, have been amazing.  Even my massage therapist has been calling to make sure I'm OK and gave me his cell phone number in case I ever need to chat.  My mom and I have made tentative plans to go to Europe once the divorce is final (possibly with my dad and sister), and my favorite running partner is going to hook me up with one of her friends who loves to go birding and would like a companion.  2012 is going to be a fantastic year!

What I'm listening to tonight...

He's back in the house :(

Thomas was supposed to come back tonight, but apparently his mistress's husband returned from his trip earlier than expected, so he returned last night instead.  He's not sure how long he's going to stay -- it could be days, weeks, or months.  I may be out before he is!  And then we have to sell the house.

The dark cloud of doom and gloom has returned.  It's very stressful.  The negativity is palpable.  He was like this before, but I always minimized and rationalized his behavior.  It will be a challenge to live together while we continue along the path to divorce.  If he's going to be here, at least he could try to be pleasant.  A cider or bit of wine makes him nearly tolerable.

Yesterday I went birding with a few friends, leaving work early.  Some short-eared owls had been sighted, so off we went.  After seeing them fly around a bit, we lucked out on one that was standing in a ditch on the side of the road, only about 15 feet from our car!  We watched him for a few minutes until he took off.  Simply breathtaking!

After that enjoyable experience, I had to return home to Thomas.  Not fun.  We came to an agreement on the property settlement, in an attempt to avoid going to litigation on the divorce.  We wrote it out and both signed it, so hopefully he will uphold his word this time.  As opposed to the part of our marriage ceremony where he promised to forsake all others.  You might be able to see that I'm not overly optimistic about this!  I didn't get what I feel I deserve, but it's reasonable and two lawyers told me that if we could agree to this, I'd be better off than taking my chances with litigation where I'd probably get a bit more but with lawyers' fees and the stress of litigation. 

Despite my negative tone in this entry, I am doing quite well.  My eyes have been opened and I've reviewed our relationship.  There's a big difference between sharing values and sharing hobbies.  We certainly shared hobbies, but our values are opposite.  I value honesty, integrity, family, kindness to animals and people, etc.  I'm really lucky to escape from this relationship at a relatively young age, so I still have years of happiness ahead of me.

I have some leads on jobs (mine ends on March 31) and hopefully will secure something in the next month or so.  Once I know where I will be working, I can rent an apartment and Max, Calypso, and I can move out.

Once again, my family and friends (including all of you!) have stepped up and have helped me through this process.  I have been overwhelmed with how supportive and loving everyone has been.  I have heard more compliments in the past 6 weeks than in the previous year.  No one can understand how/why this happened.  And if they met her, they'd understand even less!

The past few years have absolutely flown by, so now I'm hoping the next 6 months do as well.  I am excited about my new life and can't wait to get started!  It's just hard to do here with him around.  I feel like I'm currently stuck in neutral and I just want to move on.

Rocky's last day at my house

The day after Stella went home, Rocky went up to the rescue.  I was hoping to place him directly in a home to prevent his return to the rescue, but I was unable to find a place for him.  He was very unhappy at my house with Thomas gone.  He would scream, non-stop, for hours.  It was stressing me out terribly, at an already stressful time in my life.

I had a friend come to my house to help me move his cage.  Thomas refused to help out.  He's basically checked out and has not been helpful at all.  He's the one who destroyed the marriage, and I'm the one who's having to do most of the work now.  It's just unfair and I can't wait until this is over and I can start my new life.

Here are some pictures of Rocky on his last day at my house:

In the carrier, about to leave for the last time:

I heard that he's doing OK up there.  I will be up there tomorrow and I can see how he's doing.  I feel terrible that this is what happened to him.  Once again, he was just supposed to be a foster, and Thomas begged me to keep him back in 2006.  I acquiesced, and now Thomas abandons us.

Rocky's a tough guy, and he's living near two other severe macaws.  I'm hoping that his resiliency will serve him again until he can find a new home.  I will update on his progress, perhaps with pictures.

Stella's last day at my house

Stella went to her new home last Saturday.  She is in great hands -- I've received daily updates so far as to her progress.  She is settling in well, making noises, and talking a bit.  She is nicely stepping up and integrating well.  I only hope that Beeps and Rocky will fare as well as she has.

I took some pictures on her last morning with me.  She is just so adorable and I miss her terribly!

One of the last times that she and Max were near each other:

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself that I couldn't keep her, but I still feel as I failed her.  She was just supposed to be a foster, and Thomas decided he couldn't live without her, so she bonded to us and then we disappoint her.  It's just tearing me apart that Thomas's selfish and unreasonable actions have had far-reaching implications on these innocent creatures.  Stella is one of the lucky ones as she's currently in a great home.  I still can't believe that it's not mine.

A good day

I really will try to get some pictures up soon.  Maybe even later tonight if I don't get caught up in a book!

I had a fantastic day today.  I updated my resume -- something that I'd been putting off because Thomas had promised me that once I put him through medical school, I no longer had to work in my profession.  I was excited to have the time to explore some hobbies, maybe go back to school, or spend time volunteering at or starting my own nonprofit.  I upheld my end of the bargain, but six months out from him finishing after I supported him through applying for school, 4 years of school, 3 years of residency, and 2 years of fellowship, he decided to no longer uphold his end of the bargain.

I went into my profession not because I was passionate about it, but because I had a talent for it and I knew I'd always be able to support myself.  For many years, I thought I'd been foolish not to follow my passion since I'd married someone who was becoming a doctor.  And now I found out that practicality won out after all.

Rocky and Stella are out of the house.  Stella is in an amazing home.  They have updated me as to how well she's adapting.  Rocky does not currently have as happy of a story.  This is the first night he'll be spending at the rescue where I volunteer.  I had hoped to directly place him into a home, but his near-constant screaming meant that he and I were both extremely unhappy.

However, there are two female severe macaws up for adoption right now, so he's getting reacquainted with some of his own kind.  I am hopeful that we'll find him a great home.  (If anyone is willing to travel to the midwest and wants to adopt Rocky, let me know!)

I am listening to Tchaikovsky (if you have not heard his Violin Concerto in D, please do so soon!) and having a wonderful evening with the rest of the parrots.

Earlier in the day, I went to lunch and then shopping with my best friend and her family.  This is someone that I neglected far too long due to Thomas's social issues that I had previously explained away or made excuses about.

I expect to have great days to come.  Things might get a bit challenging as Thomas plans to return home on Wednesday.  I believe that his mistress's husband is returning from a month away and will be moving back into their marital home .  (Thomas has been living with his mistress for the majority of the past three weeks, except for the times when he said he wanted to try to reconcile with me and spent a night or two here before returning to her.  Until I put a stop to that, realizing that I deserve to be no less than #1 in my partner's life.)  Since we jointly own the house, I can't kick him out.  He has nowhere else to go, and I can't leave since I can't trust him to properly care for the animals.  At best, I can hope for a pleasant detente.

I will be blogging more regularly; sorry for the absence -- things were out of control, as was my mind!  But I am confident of my decision and in a great place.  I hope that everyone else had great weekends!

Thanks so much for your care and concern.  I have collated all of your caring comments into a document and will read (and have been reading) them when I get down.  I will be fine -- even better than before.  It's pretty amazing what you can get used to (I was like a frog in boiling water!) that, with hindsight, was unacceptable.

I look forward to spending the next few months working on myself and hopefully finding the true love of my life in the future.

Another update

I can't believe that so much time has passed since my last update.  I think that had I been updating about the divorce on a near real-time basis, it may have come across as if I were the crazy one.  Thomas kept changing his mind from one day to the next about whether he wanted to try to work things out with me or stay with his mistress, and I didn't really know what I wanted either.

Since he knows about the blog, I think it's probably best if I don't go into too many details here until after the divorce is final, if at all.  Suffice it to say that earlier this week I took the decision out of his hands and told him that I was done.  I am no one's second choice, and after some of his actions earlier this week, I realized that I could never trust him again.

My biggest concern is with my animals.  When we adopted each one, I really thought that they were in their forever home.  It breaks my heart that Thomas's selfishness will make that not happen.  Worse, he's the one who wanted to make most of the adoptions permanent instead of the fosters they were originally supposed to be, and then he leaves me with the mess to clean up.  Currently, all of the animals are still at home, but that won't be true 24 hours from now.

Stella's new family comes to pick her up tomorrow afternoon.  It's a great home, and I know she'll be very happy there.  I'll get frequent updates, and she'll be living with another CAG and a severe macaw.  I'll be sad to lose her, but I don't worry about her at all.

Basil will be going back to his owners sometime this month.  We are trying to finalize schedules.

Rocky was scheduled to go up to the rescue earlier this week, but Thomas convinced me to keep him at home because Thomas planned on staying home to see if we could make our marriage work.  That lasted less than two days and he's back living with his mistress while her husband is out of town.  Of course that means that Rocky is screaming nearly non-stop again and raising the stress level in the house.  I am going to get him up to the rescue as quickly as I can; probably early next week.  I will continue to look for a home for him while he's there, but it will not be easy since he's such a challenge.

My boss is going to take the fish in my tank, so we will move those over early next week.

I have a couple of leads on where Andreas, my uromastyx lizard, can go.

Max and Calypso will stay with me, though they may have to temporarily live with my parents until I am in a stable living situation.

That leaves Beeps.  He can stay at the house for a while until we figure out what to do.  Worst case, he goes up to the rescue as well.  At different times, Thomas has said that he'd take him, but he has proven to be untrustworthy and later changes his mind, so who knows what will happen.  I know that in the comments, someone expressed an interest in him.  When I feel up to it, I will contact you to see if it might work.

I know that I haven't been updating here, responding to e-mails, phone calls, or texts.  I apologize, but I just can't seem to find the energy.  This is the most stressful thing I've ever had to deal with.  There is so much uncertainty and unpleasant work in my future -- rehoming the animals, finding a job, finding an apartment, moving, selling the house, working out the divorce settlement, etc.

I am overwhelmed.  My friends have been great, and I have been taking them up on going out as much as I can.  I am forcing myself to go out at least twice a week to do things.  It's tough because all I want to do is curl up in bed, read self-help books, and try to make sense of what's happening to me.

I think that my blog will take on a very different look over the next few months.  Obviously less about the parrots, since I won't have as many, and more about turning the chaos that currently is my life into something even better than it was before.

I do have some pictures/stories about the parrots on my camera that I will post when I can.  I just haven't felt up to it.  It's all happened so quickly -- in just over a month.  Taking 13 years of hopes, dreams, and plans, and having them squashed in 30 days is exhausting.

I hope to start posting on a more regular basis, but I guess it depends on how I feel. Thanks for being there and for caring.  I know I will get through this; it will just take time.  I'm already feeling much better than I was a few weeks ago.  I do think that ultimately I will be better off without Thomas in my life.  He put on a good front for over a decade, but ultimately, he could no longer hide who he really was.  It's too bad that he had to hurt so many of us in the process.

I will be taking time to be alone, reflect on things, and emerge happier than ever.  Hopefully that will be reflected here over the next few months!  I believe that once I get a job lined up and am in a new apartment, it will be easier to move on.  While I don't want to wish my life away, I wish it were a year from now and this pain could all be in the past.